Here I sit, favorite hoodie, surrounded by the cats and dogs, I look outside and there's a storm coming and it's name is Landon. Seriously, Landon? Dear Weather Channel, can we please stop naming storms.

Since the dawn of time, weather has fascinated man. From the earliest civilizations believing the gods to be angry to current, more advanced and enlightened civilizations believing that Bill Gates and the rest of the super rich are seeding the atmosphere with weather controlling nano-bots and other tech used to control not only the weather but the people of earth. Feel that, it's your shiny paper hat vibrating, I think they're listening.

One of the ways some meteorologists (not all, I'm friends with some and I don't want them to feel attacked) try to control the weather and you humans, is by naming the storm. Here's what I mean. It all started with Hurricanes. A practice we are familiar with. Some of the mostly deadly hurricanes in history have had such intimidating names as "Sandy" and "Hugo" and "Katrina" (I can't help singing "Walking on Sunshine"). I don't to make light of the fact that these storms generated great human loss, suffering and property damage.

Then a few years back "they" started naming winter storms. I put "they" in quotations for a very good reason because "they", the evil weather empire, are The Weather Channel. You see, NOAA, which is like the governing body for meteorologists, does not require said weather folk, to name winter storms. However, Jim Cantore (we'll call him "The Emperor" because I like Star Wars) and his "Storm" Troopers, took authority that wasn't being given and quietly and very effectively started making us believe that this is a thing.

"I mean, hurricanes have had names for years and look how serious that shit is. Did you hear they're naming winter storms now? Must be because of that "global change" problem being caused by all the farting cows that's making the winter storms so bad they need to start naming them".

Not the case. Oh, don't get me wrong, cows are still farting and the climate is changing for the worse, and yes some storms are doozies, BUT, that isn't why the Emperor put his plan of naming storms into effect, so he could take control of the weather universe. They started naming storms because all of a sudden it gives them life. They become almost human and in a sense more real. We become attached to them. Which brings me to the title and the point of all this. THIS IS WHY WE DON'T NAME OUR FOOD.

I'm a "Meat-A-Tarian"...love me some tasty cooked (and sometimes uncooked) meat from something that used to roam the earth. As harsh as this may sound to some of you who lean more vegetarian, that tasty meat never had a name. Give it a name, I will love on it, feed it, take it to the vet, make funny and sometimes annoying stupid Tik Tok videos of it, keep it safe and warm until the day it crosses the rainbow bridge. They I will create some sort of shrine or talisman to honor it's memory to show that it existed, gave me unconditional love and I gave it right back. Nope, my hamburger has a name like "Baconator" "Double Quarter Pounder With Cheese" or "Mushroom Swiss". Our dogs and cats have names for a reason, because if they didn't they'd be giving us the side eye, sleeping with the other open, always on the look out for us to make them Sunday dinner. No, WE DON'T NAME OUR FOOD. So, stop naming storms.

However, we do it anyway and here is the real reason I believe why THE EMPIRE is naming storms. CONSPIRACY THEORY in 3........2......1...

The Weather Channel is in cahoots with large grocery store chains and big box store hardware stores (and a few of the smaller ones). Ya see, when they name a storm, a lot of you panic and run to the store, for what? Bread and Milk? See that's your first mistake.....that stuff spoils and if the storm were truly that bad and you were without basic necessities for weeks, you'd be wishing you had some sort of cured meat like.......BACON!! The answer is always BACON, and whiskey and while you're at it some dark chocolate would be nice. Not bread and milk.

It's ironic though, store shelves sell out of milk, a by product of those methane-churning, 4-legged, cud chewing, bovines who's cousin is probably going to grace my dinner table in the not so distant future. Bad storm created by cows, made worse by Bill Gates, sell out of milk, need more cows because milk sales are booming, and the viscous cycle repeats itself.

In close, we need a young hero, our very own Luke Skywalker to take down the Empire and stop naming winter storms. Stop making this a thing, giving it life and making people panic buy poorly thought out groceries and plywood they'll end up using to build raised planting beds come spring. Now, as far as hurricanes, you can keep naming those, but I have a small request, pick scarier names. You tell me Hurricane Sally is coming (not that I really have to worry that much about it in Kansas), and I'm setting the dinner table, making some sun tea, and puttin' out the good table linens for company. You tell me Hurricane Thanos is coming and I'm packing my shit in a hurry and heading for high ground, and I'm making sure I'm fully stocked with bacon, whiskey and chocolate if I do.

Enjoy Winter Storm Landon, make some hot cocoa and a snow angel and make the kids shove the driveway before they are allowed to go play in it because it builds character.

Before I dive into something as complex and divisive as obesity, I want to share a little about me. I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I continue to struggle with it. Not only my weight but my relationship with food. I LOVE FOOD, God do I love food. I love cooking it, baking it, eating it, playing with it, all of it. From a nice healthy salad lightly dressed in a local vinaigrette to a 3000 buffet with all the carbs......I love it all.

I'm 6'2", 285-ish pounds (recently lost 20) and according to the science of the BMI scale, I'm going to die any minute because they classify me as "Morbidly Obese". The BMI stresses me out, I think I'll go eat a comforting donut or double cheeseburger to make myself feel better. I use to tell myself I was "not overweight, I was undertall" - a quote I first learned from Garfield, that lasagna loving cat. However, the truth is, I am over weight. The truth is, a large portion of this country is overweight. Like we know gluttony is one of the 7 deadly sins, but we don't give a shit because less and less of us are choosing to believe in God and the Bible (stats, not my commentary on religion), some of us are yelling YOLO as we drive down the road trying to eat a Chicago Dog from Sonic (don't recommend that BTW), and still more of us are doing food math. You tell yourself, "Okay, I ate 1200 calories for dinner but I'm going to the gym the next 3 day and I'll burn that off and make room for more. Those of you who are left, the minority, are either doing it all right, have a healthy relationship with food or you're blessed with the metabolism of a ferret on biker crank, either way, you have less than 5% body fat and can eat a donut or a slice of pie guilt free.

Now that you, the reader, know where you fall on mess, let's get to what I believe is the root of the obesity issue in this country. You ready for this. Drumroll please!! THE DRIVE-THRU is making you and me fat. That's right, THE DRIVE-THRU. Understand, I am not blaming on particular restaurant chain, or on specific food (fast or otherwise), I am blaming the DRIVE-THRU and all the convenience that comes with it.

I will give you an example right from my life. I give platelets every two weeks at the American Red Cross. I have for going on 13 years. To date, I've donated 60 gallons of platelets and counting. Before the donation, I eat well, hydrate, and put myself in the best position to pass the initial health screening so that I can make my donation. AFTER my donation, who am I kidding, sometimes when I am driving to the Red Cross, I am thinking of 2 double cheeseburgers from McDonalds. I have convinced myself that since I give over lunch, this is not only my lunch but a nice treat or reward for my good deed.

I know the burgers are almost a 1000 calories, lots of salt and fat and carbs and there is a great internal struggle that goes with this. I argue with myself right up until the moment of commitment, but I do it anyway and you know why? THE DRIVE-THRU. The choice (yes, it is my choice) to eat that rather than go home and cook and eat something more responsible, is easy (or at least easier) because of THE DRIVE-THRU. It's convenient, it's easy, it's fast (most of the time). I guaran-damn-tee you if that DRIVE-THRU didn't exist, my drive for those 2 double cheeseburgers would be reduced exponentially.

The idea of parking and getting out of the car and walking into that McDonald's and standing in line and waiting for my food and then having to walk all the way back to the car. That's not a world I want to live in and I'm willing to bet you don't want to live there either. It's sales, it's marketing, it's convenient, it's easy - all the things that help the average human like me make poor choices with our money and our health.

Think about it, take away the fast food drive-thru and the coffee drive thru and calorie consumption and frivolous spending decreases at an alarming rate. Hell, there are even things called "Brew Thrus" in parts of the Carolinas where you stay in your car and order your booze. Here in Kansas you can get a margarita or bloody mary in a drive thru. You can get cigarettes in a drive thru. All these things would suffer such a large economic downturn if not for the ease and convenience of the drive thru.

Don't think so, then think about this. How many times have you been sitting in a drive-thru, the line is long....let's say 10 cars deep and it's not moving. Do you leave or do you park your car and go inside. I rest my case.

Oh, THE OUTRAGE!!!! Gas prices are so high, it's Joe Biden's fault, he did it. He's killing American. For the love of God, this Rhetoric is driving me crazy on so many levels. I don't even know where to begin. But, I have to start somewhere, so here we go.

1. RUSSIA IS NOT OUR OIL SUGAR DADDY-Did ya know Russia doesn't hold us hostage when it comes to our oil imports. 3%, that's how Russian oil makes up of our total oil imports. So on top of sanctions, if the President decides not taking that 3% from Russia will hurt them as they invade the sovereign nation of Ukraine, wanting to wipe out a peaceful nation and it's government so it can replace it with Putin's bullshit, then I say, "President Biden, you do you bro....tell Russia to stick their oil". So, go ahead, small town, Red state, "I wish Trump were here" America...keep blaming what's going on in Russia for your gas woes. I'm sure the families being ripped apart, eating and sleeping off the floors of subways while the landscape of their home country is being redesigned by rockets and bombs, feel your pain.

2. The Keystone Pipeline-Currently, even before thinking of using the XL Pipeline we get about double the oil from Canada as we do from Russia. Still, in the overall scheme of things, not a lot when it comes to global oil. Clearly, this shows how dependent we are on oil from lets say, THE MIDDLE EAST. The big issue with the XL pipeline is the impact on the environment and Native American lands. Oil production would increase, use of fossil fuels would continue to tax the planet and put harmful greenhouse gases into the air, etc. The fact that the environmental impact and we need jobs are always the go to from both sides of the issues is really the troubling part. As an afterthought, Oh Yeah, something about Native American land. Ya know, that land we too, that other land we send the one's we didn't kill to and called reservations that were out of the way on land we didn't need ....until we want to build a pipeline to create jobs and kill the planet with fossil fuel greenhouse gasses. Wait, Is it okay to talk about this or does this piss people off like CRT. "OH, we can't talk about that.....we have to pretend like it didn't happen. If we talk about the bad things the American white man did to the Native American's you're going to call all white people racist." SMH.

3. I've got an easy solution......walk, ride a bike, carpool, buy electric cars (or at least hybrids), eat tofu or a veggie burger..anything but jumping into your gas guzzler and heading down to the corner store or going on a cigarette run. You realize that there's a pretty good chance that you're willing to grub hub is even more of an issue when it comes to the gas prices than Russia or the XL pipeline, right? No, really, stop and think about this.

Cigarettes go up.....sure you bitch, but you keep smoking. Price of pizza goes up with fees and shortages and production costs.....sure you bitch, but you keep stuffing the pie in your pie hole. Wait, my beer costs more....sorry kids, we're eating generic cereal for breakfast, daddy needs his swill and his 4 wheel drive. My favorite, chicken wings. The great chicken wing shortage. Boy, that put a chill down our collective spines. The thought of running out of chicken wings nearly did us in. Yes, we complained and some of us even put that on Joe Biden, but we waited it out through the hardship of having to eat thighs like savages until we could grow more chicken wings. Oh, by the way, you do understand how we grow chicken wings, right? Forget oil demand, just stop and try and wrap your head around how many chickens we must kill to supply our blood lust for everything from chicken patties for school lunches to nuggs. If we didn't have nuggs, how would we argue who as the best nuggs or tweet for a year's worth of free nuggs. That's not a world I want to live in.

The truth is, we would rather blame a popular or unpopular choice, depending on what side of the political aisle you're sitting on, than to turn the finger around and point it at us. God forbid we look in the mirror and consider having an open and honest discussion about renewable energy, impossible burgers, tofu, walking or riding a bike, turning the lights off in a room when we're not in it (been saying this for years and look what good it's done). Hell, I'd be interested to know the percentages of people who are still using old, energy burning light bulbs rather than LED. Look, I'm casting stones....and I'm not free of sin.....but I eat tofu and all my bulbs in my house are LED and I want wind energy and I plan for the next vehicle of mine to be electric and I cook at home more than having a door dash driver burn my gas for me.

So you want to blame someone for the high gas prices....look in the mirror. No, really, look in the mirror...you've got some buffalo sauce on your face.